Early on I grew up with great Christmas’s.

Though my mother was an Atheist at the time of my childhood she still loved the holiday. Our house was decorated to the hilt and on December 25th presents abounded. We even had a tradition of setting up an old manger scene which she had received, I believe, from my late grandfather, who she had deeply loved. Because it was from him I guess putting it up was OK, despite her beliefs (or lack thereof.) As a little boy I remember watching every “Christmas special” that came on TV and having that special kind of happiness only a child can have in the month of December.

Unfortunately things began to change when my father and I clashed terribly as I entered adolescence. Then my parents’ marriage began to tank and I spent about five years in the middle while they fought, among other things, for my loyalty.  I remember a couple of particularly horrible Christmases during this time period.

When I became a Christian in my early 20’s I can’t say that I got my joy back as far as the holiday which technically celebrated my new Savior’s birth (even though, ironically, what I consider to be my salvation experience came to pass on Christmas Eve, 1990). My family was still shattered, my parents now being divorced, and I struggled for many more years with the depression that had played the primary role in bringing me to faith. I also, more than ever, observed that Christmas might as well have had the first five letters removed from it as far as how it was celebrated by the world. Then there was the fact that I was single for 24 of my adult years.

None of this was exactly a recipe for “Yuletide cheer.”

My life, thanks be to God, is much better now but Christmas still has never returned to being anywhere near being the joy I remember it being over 40 years ago.

Recently, though, I found myself in an unusually calm and contemplative mood while listening to an old CD I picked up many years ago. It was produced by a Christian Folk band local to where I grew up, Bergen County NJ. The album consisted of about a dozen mostly ancient carols, some of which were quite obscure and nearly all of which celebrated the Advent of Christ in simple, yet profound lyrics and spare musical arrangements.

I listened to it, straight through, and at its end I felt a certain happiness, maybe even a certain joy. The songs somehow brought to me at least a trace of my remembered childhood joys this time of year and, much more importantly, of the far more sublime “Reason for the season.”

In the future, when I look back on that 45 minutes of silent listening to an old, basically unknown local band’s celebration of Advent it will probably always be the highlight of Christmas 2018 for me.

If you find yourself feeling a bit blue this Christmas season, know you're not alone. And know that God can use any instrument in any moment to restore your awe in what we celebrate this season.