The following was written in response to the sermon this past Sunday (Jesus Encounters a Man Born Blind) - specifically a story within the sermon about a young pastor and his wife who gave birth to a child with Down Syndrome (Camille gave birth to a son with Down Syndrome 8 years ago). 

 ________________________________________________

I saw myself in the pastor’s wife.  I heard her say, “Really God, this child, this pregnancy? Did God know me?”  

You understand my thought from afar, You scrutinize my path, and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways, even before there is a word on my tongue, behold O Lord you know it all.  Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? Psalm139. 

Sometimes I look back over my life and am thankful God did not answer many of my prayers the way I wanted Him to.  He denied my choice in partners, careers, churches and cities, and at the time, it was very difficult to accept.  I wondered if He knew me?  Didn’t I know what was best for me?  If He does not answer my prayers, am I His child?

When you pass through the waters, I will be you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you.  For I am the Lord, your God.  Isaiah 43:2-3.

Today, I can see that He had something so much better in mind for me, than my tiny plans.  Other times, some of His answers are more complicated, and take years to process and accept.  I found out I was pregnant again at the end of our vacation.  I figured it would end, like the others had, so I refused to go to the doctor.  As I often do, I took things into my own hands.  I had an appointment for an ultrasound to see the heartbeat, or what I believed, the lack of a heartbeat, and Scot left work during the day to join me.  By the time he picked me up from work I had chickened out.  I decided I was not going to look at another blank screen on the ultrasound machine.  Our doctor told me to call if I started to bleed, and to see him in a week. 

Scot was upset with me, but knowing the disappointment of another miscarriage was going to be harder on me, he let me have my way.  The next week came, and I left work and headed to the doctor, sure that I wasn’t pregnant, “Really God?”

I should mention that Scot and I spent years praying fervently on our knees, in counseling, one infertility doctor, a bunch of tests, drugs, shots, a couple surgeries, and countless boxes of Kleenex, crying with and at each other; because we did not agree why God had withheld from us, the family we thought we wanted.  Scot was content as a couple, I was not.  I was sure God had a family planned for us.  But why hadn’t He delivered, why us?  

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  Matthew 6

Scot and I married late, 43 and 38 years old.  We had waited a long time for each other.  We served in the church, went on mission trips, lead bible studies, worshipped God, tithed, sought forgiveness and healing, prayed and prayed and prayed for our family to begin. 

I watched my grandmother suffer as her prayers to die were left unanswered.  She believed in God, but was housebound due to rectal cancer.  It would take her hours in the bathroom.  She loved hymns, and sappy stories about puppies and kittens, and she died in a nursing home.  We watched as our friend Eileen suffered with NonHodgkins Lymphoma, she died leaving a husband and two teenagers.  I was sure God was going to heal her, but He did not.  For three years, our church provided meals 2-3 times every week for Eileen and her family.  Each time you brought a meal, you would find Eileen worshipping and praising the Lord.  God was there beside her in her suffering, giving strength to her, her family, and anyone who came near. 

After a time, their house needed some repair and Scot organized a group of volunteers from our area.  These individuals had never worked together, some were even in competition with each other, but God was in the midst.  Along with several families, friends, a bunch of kids, and some strangers interspersed, the roof was replaced, new windows installed, new siding, a railing replaced, yard cleaned, and the carpeting was ripped out of  their son’s room over the course of just two weekends.  God was there providing for this family in incredible ways, and blessing everyone involved.  Each one who showed up on the work site got to see God working, multiplying our meager efforts, even during a torrential rain storm on Friday.  It was because of Eileen and my grandmother that I kept seeking God, and finding comfort in His words, especially Psalm 139.  So many verses speak to my heart, strengthening it and bringing me hope. 

By the time I got to the doctor’s office, I had convinced myself of the outcome, therefore Scot was not there.  When I saw for the first time, the small white skeleton like shape with head, body and legs, I literally fell off the table trying to get my phone to call Scot.  I will always regret denying Scot that first look at our son.

At 16 weeks, we were told something was really wrong, and at 20 weeks, we were told “he” would likely be born with Down Syndrome.  Why God?  Why are you doing this to us?  Weren’t we ok, “a good Christian couple?”  Was it because we did something wrong?  Where are You in this?  Everyone one has seen someone with Down Syndrome.  They look strange, and act funny, aren’t they called “retarded.”  I remember thinking what does retarded really mean?  How are we going to handle this baby?  It was very difficult to see God in this pregnancy.  Our 1% chance of having a baby was happening.  Our prayers and so many others were being answered.  People would say things like “oh, it’s because you’re so nice, or God knows what He’s doing, or maybe the doctors are wrong, or my favorite, “It’s because you guys are strong enough to handle it.”  “It?”  I wanted to get fat, breast feed, homeschool, have at least 4 more, but God didn’t answer those prayers. 

I heard myself say “really God, this child, this pregnancy?  Do You, God, know me?”  He did, and does, more than we realize, until something happens that makes us lean into Him.  When I was in the hospital, waiting for Ben to be born, I was reading Ecclesiastes, for he will not often consider the years of his life, because God keeps him occupied with the gladness of his heart, 5:20.

In the beginning it was hard telling people about Ben.  Then when we met him at 33 weeks old, he was beautiful.  A perfect little red, wrinkled baby boy that Scot and I could not get enough of.  We didn’t know that he should have rolled over and sat up years before he did.  That he would be 3 ½ years before he walked, that at 8 years old, he would be struggling with language.  That ignorance, I think was from God as well, because each milestone met after hours of therapy, angry tears, was so hard fought, that there was lots of rejoicing and smiles, God was in this little creation, and he is amazing!  His heart was very strong, and unlike other kids with Down Syndrome, he would not need surgery.  What we found out was that God was there all along.  He gave us the baby that was just right for us, the personality, the ability, the character, and manner, and new friends in therapists who fell in love with Ben too.  Then one day, my step father stood up in Church and said how my pregnancy and the birth of his grandson, Benjamin had revealed to him the power and love of Jesus Christ, and that his heart will never be the same.  Praise God!!  Every day Ben makes us laugh, and smile over and over at the retelling of a story of something he did, or is doing.  Ben has had an incredible impact on many people, some we will never know.  He teaches me every day about patience, and love and trust in our Savior and how God looked down on us, in our suffering and He joined us there, and answered in a mighty way.

As much as I thought, and think that I know what is best, or what I need or even what I deserve, God knows who I am, every breath, hair and cell, and the direction of my life.  He is always there, directing and always doing in my life what is best for my life in Him.      

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!  How vast is the sum of them!  If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.  When I awake, I am still with You.