April 16, 2015

I want you more than you want me.

It’s a line in my journal I wrote years ago when I realized one day the imbalance of a relationship in my life. Here I was wanting this person to love me so badly, and for whatever reason, choice or inability, they weren’t. My longing for that relationship took center stage in my life for years... decades maybe. It was a constant ache, my nearest thought always. Like the Psalmist writes in chapter 88, “darkness is my closest friend.”

I felt like I had a right to be loved. And don’t we all feel that way a lot of times? It even sounds bad typing it out I. Don’t. Have. A. Right. To. Be. Loved. Ouch. I’ll admit, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around still.

But.

I was mulling on the line from my journal the other day and feeling very sad for myself. I don’t mean to make light of it, I was hurting terribly. As I sat staring at the words I suddenly remembered a Bible verse that I’ve heard a handful of times, “...[O]h have I longed to gather your children around Me, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings... but you would not.” (Luke 13:34)

I thought about all the reasons God Himself has to say to me, “I want you more than you want Me.” And I wondered if God feels sad that so many times I give an excuse to that statement... I know but, I’m busy... I don’t want to do it that way... I’m tired... I’ll do it later... It’s boring.

The crazy thing is God never walks away because we do. And He doesn’t sit there pounding His fists and demanding that He has rights to us because well... He MADE us. No, He laid down His rights. He took away any reason for us to be indebted to Him in any possible wayso that our love is an expression of FREEDOM towards Him (Romans 5:18, Ephesians 3:12).

If God Himself can give up His “right” to be loved...

So the journey I am on is giving up whatever rights I have to be loved by any human and placing my desire to be loved on Christ instead. I wish I could say it’s easy. It looks a lot like forgiving every time I remember how much I am not loved by the people I feel owe me their love. It’s taking a deep breath, and reminding myself that the Creator of the Universe knows how I feel and He loves me more than any human possibly could. And it’s accepting that I won’t always get it right and I will have those bad days when I lose it and focus on people instead of God, and knowing that He will love me in spite of all that.