For the sake of anonymity, we will summarize the beginning of her email:

• She was married for 32 years to an abusive husband before finally divorcing him.
• Originally they agreed to run a business together, her on the front lines and him behind the scenes handling the books and taking care of the money. 
• They had children together, and then after years of a toxic and abusive marraige.....

Regarding our finances,  When my oldest son was accepted to college and I applied for financial aid, I became aware that there would be no aid as (my husband) had not filed a tax return for almost 10 years,  nor had he paid real estate taxes on our home or my office building for many years.  I don’t know where the money that I earned went. Gaining access to any financial information was a nightmare. Despite tremendous resistance,  I finally hired a forensic accountant and in the end we had to sell everything we owned to begin to pay debt. I also had to sell the business I had build for 30 years and change (jobs), start all over again at the age of 58....

There wasn’t enough to pay all the debt, and we are still paying the IRS. And because the business was in my name, it was only me on the hook with the IRS. 

I moved 5 times in 4 years all the while paying every dollar of his expenses and our kids expenses.  I have laid it all at the foot of the cross, I have and continue to do the soul work, to accept responsibility, to learn what God wants me to learn, but… The financial ruin is something I must  battle with  every two weeks when it is time to pay alimony to my ex husband.  NJ is a no fault divorce law state.  

Since we were married for more than 20 Years and he never put himself on the books as an employee = in effect he was a ghost - alimony and division of assets became all formulaic 50/50.  Hence, I have to continue to pay the man who was in charge of our finances, left us with no retirement savings and no assets, HALF of my earned income.  AND I have to continue to earn at that level unless I am disabled , until I am 66 yrs and 10 months old.  And if I continue to work after that, I have to continue to pay him.  I even had to take on a second part time teaching position so that after I pay the alimony, I don’t have to live paycheck to paycheck and I can save some for retirement.  

I have cried out to God to take my unforgiving, bitter heart and change it.    I have asked for wisdom and discernment in how I mentally and spiritually frame this injustice so that I won’t lose my mind. Again I have laid it all at the feet of the cross.  I have begged for mercy, , begged for God to release me from my hurt and white hot anger.  I have been doing the soul work, reading, praying, spent years in counseling.  I pray for him and his wellbeing, that he would reconnect in relationship with God and with his sons. My broken heart is healing, my grief regarding the loss of love and marriage is receding.

But I have remained so so angry at the financial injustice. I couldn’t wrap my mind, heart or spirit around how to pay him and not be angry.  I though that maybe I could consider it part of tithing, part of missions giving, part of giving to those in need, but in the end, no matter how I tried to rationalize the payments, my anger seethed and even grew.  

Until today - your message landed squarely on my heart - watch out for greed.  Life isn’t fair.  Injustice exists .  Yet Be thankful , grateful ..   It is all His - He knows, He is in control.  I need to guard my heart against greed and preoccupation with financial security and fairness - I have made security  and fairness my new idol.  I have made anger a new default.  That is robbing me of the fullness of peace and joy God intends for me.  He knows what I need and has always provided in abundance and will continue to do so.  Just let it go and Trust.  Let God be God.  For a smart person, I have been awfully dumb.  

Indeed He has provided at every turn.  Everything I need, big and small…sometimes just a good nights sleep or a much needed encouraging word.   I am so grateful for the huge blessings too… 

My return to church and my new church family 

Amazing Spiritual sisters, accountability partners, true friends - our Life Group has been life saving 

Peace which surpasses all understanding - peace amidst dealing with loss, a child’s addiction, strenuous work schedules, and now , finally , some peace regarding how to move forward despite financial injustice 

p.s. I paid him today. There is a "memo" field which I have always wrote "MFN." Money For Nothing (Dire Straits).

Today, I wrote FREEDOM!