In Scripture we are told to “be angry and yet do not sin” (Eph. 4:26 NASB). In another place in the New Testament we also read that “…the kindness of God leads you to repentance." (Romans 2:4 NASB).

Anger is sometimes allowable, but it often can lead us into a wrong spirit and, consequently, wrong actions. An angry spirit should never be allowed to rule us. This is especially true when the anger in question is something we are using to try to change a person who is not doing something we want them to do, or not being something we want them to be. In most instances, even if the person really does need change, angrily trying to force them to see the “error of their ways” is an exercise in futility that only makes things worse. 

There is something strangely gratifying about allowing our angry feelings to be let loose. This is particularly the case when we “vent” after having spent a long time brooding over what we have decided is wrong in another individual. After “stuffing” our frustration about whatever it is we find difficult to deal with in someone, finally letting it out in an unrestrained way can feel good. Meanwhile we convince ourselves that we are finally being truthful and that the object of our wrath needs to hear that truth, both for our sakes and theirs.

But such an “anger high” is always short-lived.

In its wake what we usually find we have done is further and unnecessarily damaged a relationship we truly care about and want to continue. We think our sudden outburst will make our spouse, or our child, or our friend finally have to consider how wrong they are about whatever our issue is with them. The problem is that we are dead wrong to think that way. What almost always happens in the heart of whoever we “attack” is a strengthening of resolve to do and be just the opposite of whatever we are loudly telling them to do and be. What may feel so right and justified for a few minutes ends up causing deepened relational strife.

This is only magnified when our ongoing frustration leads to increasingly frequent episodes of sinfully uncontrolled anger. We begin to set up a cycle that only reinforces both pain and resistance in the person who is the recipient of our repeated fury and, if this “habit” continues long enough, it can and will lead to the death of a precious human relationship. 

So what is the alternative? There is one, but like most things related to our sanctification, to becoming more like Christ, there is a cost. In the case of “the anger cycle” the cost is putting to death our ego, especially the part of our ego that manifests itself in our sense of entitlement.

Perhaps the first thing we should be asking ourselves, once we begin to come to our senses about this sin, is whether the problem we have with our antagonist is even a real problem in their lives. In our own pride we may have decided that we know exactly what that problem is. We “know” they have some character flaw or bad habit that must be addressed and addressed RIGHT NOW! This judgement may or may not be right. In our pride, though, we often feel like we know it is. “Why, it’s as clear as the hand in front of my face” we think. But are we really seeing things in that other person the way they truly are, or just the way they “make” us feel?

One reason to question if we are right about this problem in someone else (that we are so sure demands our, oh so forceful intercession) is what our real motivation is for thinking that way. It is funny how, so many times, this perceived flaw or flaws directly impacts what we consider to be our quality of life. We believe that spouse, child, or friend’s behavior is making our lives miserable. We may claim that our concern is for their wellbeing and perhaps, to some extent, it truly is....but in our heart of hearts the truth is we simply are not getting that to which we feel entitled from the object of our anger. A sense of entitlement is a function of pride, the original human sin, and this wrongful sense of entitlement is especially rife in our part of the world today.

Yet even if entitlement is not the driving factor in our cycle of aggression, even if we really care about helping someone see what may be wrong in their lives and changing it, we must take care. Repeatedly “hitting them over the head” with our uncontrolled outbursts of anger is an exercise in futility of the worst kind. Again, it only achieves the opposite of what is intended by a furious person. It only makes points of conflict in a relationship worse. 

So back to that alternative. There is only one. It is the intentional, prayerful, and difficult act of putting to death our selfishness. It is the Christ-follower’s call to die to self in an act of love and contrition, first to the One who died for us, and then to the person we have offended in our unholy wrath. Then, instead of allowing our anger to be our garment, we must intentionally put on that kindness mentioned in Romans, for it is only authentic and sustained kindness that will lead our loved one to repentance, if for it there is even a need.

We are not changed by angry judgement; we are changed by love, and not the fickle kind of love the world thinks is enough. We are only truly and permanently changed by the unconditional kind that flows to and through us through Jesus Christ. For the believer with an unhealthy anger problem that kind of love needs to be appropriated, and passed on to all, especially those who we claim are nearest and dearest to us.

If this seems impossible to the reader who might struggle with being what our popular culture calls being a “Rage-a-Holic,” take heart. Like most aspects of growing in the Christian life, being transformed from one who has started to embody anger to one who embodies kindness will take some time and the power to change is not something we must summon up in ourselves alone. The flesh cannot defeat the flesh. We must call for, and depend on, the transforming grace and love of God to do the work we need done within our deepest hearts.

What we need is to realize first, to begin this journey, is that what we have been allowing ourselves to do is wrong. Along with that realization hopefully also comes an earnest desire to no longer want to do it, followed by real prayer for His help in putting this part of who we are right. In short, we must want to change, know where the strength to change truly comes from, and walk it out, hour by hour, day by day.

By the way, the fact that this aspect of sanctification is a process does not mean it is not urgent, and we need to be profoundly serious about working in and with God to make that process a short one. Out-of-control anger is incredibly destructive. Left undealt with it can destroy marriages, families, friendships, and finally the one who, in doing so, has made his or her anger an idol. It is of first importance that this kind of anger is forsaken and forsaken as rapidly and profoundly as possible. Thanks be to God that he is ready and willing to remove this part of the “old man,” the flesh.

Note: In this article I have used a lot of “we’s” and “ours,” but that does not mean it has not been, well, autobiographical. The truth is I speak from recent and painful experience with the poison fruits of my own anger. I thank God that He has, in His amazing kindness, both taught me this important lesson of repentance and started me on the path of healing for both myself and those who have been on the receiving end of my own sinful anger.